The End of It All
by Eric J. Krause
"In the meantime, I want no one in or out of this building."
Valarie looked up at the guy in a power suit striding with purpose out of the office and wondered if that was for real. She was only here at the law offices of Chambers, Powell, and Burke because she needed the entry-level data entry position listed on yourjobs.net. She didn't want to get involved in any sort of international incident or anything. Besides, Mom needed her to run a few errands this afternoon. This was only supposed to take twenty minutes, tops.
She looked down at her almost complete application, and then up at the secretary, whose face looked a bit pale despite the heavy amount of makeup. Valerie put the cap on her pen and walked up to the desk.
The secretary gave her a smile that seemed a bit forced. "Hi, hon. All finished?"
Valarie shook her head and whispered, "No. I was just wondering about what that guy said. We can't leave?"
The secretary's eyes darted around the room, and then she motioned Valarie to lean in close. "Something big is going on out there. I don't know what, but you wouldn't want to leave even if you could."
"Should . . . Should I bother finishing the application?"
That earned her a weak smile. "It'll help pass the time until we know more."
Valarie's head swam. She had dozens of follow up questions, but this secretary--Janice, her nameplate read--didn't seem to know much yet. Instead she nodded, whispered a thanks, and sat back down. It only took another five minutes to finish the application, but by that time, another suit walked into the office.
"Ladies and gentlemen, may I have your attention for a few moments?"
Valarie looked around at her fellow applicants--two middle-aged women, a guy she guessed to be in his mid-20s, and another girl who, like her, appeared fresh out of high school. She assumed they were all here for the same data entry position. She noticed they each wore a twinge of fear on their faces. Had they heard her conversation with Secretary Janice, or was it from the original suit?
This suit had an air about him that said he was used to speaking in front of audiences in high-pressure situations, but even he was having trouble forming his words. "At 12:07 Pacific Saving Time, a chain of events began that signaled the end of our planet."
This brought out gasps from everyone, including Secretary Janice, but no one said anything. Like Valarie, it must've stunned them numb.
The suit cleared his throat, obviously expecting a multitude of questions, but when none came, he continued.
"This building has enough supplies to last us for a hundred years. You five are now part of the team, so you will, of course, be given a full share of rations."
The 20-something guy managed to find his voice. "But if the earth is going to be destroyed, what good will that do us?"
The suit took a deep breath. "It's already blown apart. We launched into space six minutes ago."
All six of them, including Secretary Janice, stared at him with mouths gaped open. Later, as she looked back on the moment, Valarie couldn't help but chuckle at how absurd they all must've looked.
The suit again must have expected outrage and a barrage of questions, but when only shock met him, he powered on. "We have a destination in mind. It's a small planet, much like Earth, in a nearby solar system. The scientists assure us that we'll thrive there, and that we'll arrive within 50 years, well before we exhaust our supplies. Other select buildings from around the globe will rendezvous with us."
"Is this some sort of sick joke that's part of the application process?" the girl her own age asked. "I didn't feel us blast off."
The suit shook his head. "I wish it was. The building was designed to be absolutely stable during take off. It seems to have worked perfectly, which gives us hope that we're in for smooth sailing."
He gestured towards the door. "There's a window at the end of the hall. You can go see for yourselves that I'm not fabricating any of this."
Everyone, including Secretary Janice, filed out to look. Except Valarie. She knew it was true. The suit's eyes promised he wasn't lying. When she was alone, the tears started. Not for Momma, Daddy, or any of her friends. Their loss still hadn't hit her. No, these tears flowed because she realized she'd have to spend the rest of her life shacked up with lawyers.
Is this one a cheesy clichéd Adam and Eve story, or simply a long way to go for a lawyer joke? You decide. ;-)
ReplyDeleteAwfully nice of the suit to give the applicants a full share of rations. Keep their energy up for the 'shacking' part of the job description.
ReplyDeleteIsn't it normally at this point that we get the reveal "you have all been carefully selected with our future breeding programme in mind?"
ReplyDeleteIt would be an extended lawyer joke, but you've muddied the waters with rocket-scientists cum real estate salesmen!
marc nash
Lawyer joke...or perhaps the lead-in to a very odd sc-fi story of 50 years on a spaceship full of lawyers.
ReplyDeleteI love that ending! I can soooo sympathize with her. Great fun here, Eric!
ReplyDeleteAh yes Mr. Krause, a well told end of the world story... now the question is which is worse - dying on Earth? Or being stuck with lawyers to create a new world?
ReplyDeleteWell told my friend, well told.
Jack
*thhhhhhbt* :) I've never read such a wind up for a lawyer joke!
ReplyDeleteIt's a great story, Eric, and a great lawyer joke too. Made me laugh right out loud. Oh, the horror... stuck in space with lawyers. Aagh.
ReplyDeleteExcellent piece.
OK, I predict they'll all kill each other within a year. A bunch of type A personalities, stuck in a confined space with no worlds to conquer, no deadlines to meet, nothing to do, for 50 years?
ReplyDeleteNOT a group suited for long-term spaceflight.
Why do I keep picturing the Monty Python sketch with the buildings that sail and the pirates? Only using lawyers is so much scarier...
ReplyDeleteVery original. I wonder if the lawyers are aliens. It would explain a lot...
Wonderful.
BRAVO!
ReplyDeleteOMG - that's the best lawyer joke I've ever read or heard.
ReplyDeleteThat is a fate worse than death, though not worse than settling the estate afterwards. Lawyers.
ReplyDeleteGood one, Eric!
I agree with Tony on this one. You've got a great psychological setup here. I wouldn't want to be shacked up with lawyers, either.
ReplyDeleteHAhahahahahahhaaha!!!!!! I laughed out loud at the ending, not a little LOL, but an out loud laugh. Just ask Dave, who is lying on the couch looking at me like a bug.
ReplyDeleteI was following the story with much interest and then thought, oh no, Eric's going all sappy at the end, and then WHAP! You flung out this awesome joke at the end!
Yippie-kay-ay!
Nice twist! I sure as hell didn't see that one coming! I'm more shocked the lawyers are giving a "full share" of anything. LOL
ReplyDelete"She noticed they each wore a twinge of fear on their faces." < Just like the others, you had me going with storyline and detail to flying buildings which take their time to get there. YEP - than the drumrim hit as the joke made its mark. But Eric - past the psychological premise, this has promise as a sitcom.
ReplyDeleteSued in Space?
Cosmic Law?
You'll have a million of 'em, continuum speaking of course. ~ Absolutely*Kate
Bwahahahaha! Great ending Eric! This is a fun little gem of a story.
ReplyDeleteLife with lawyers, gads, a fate worse than death! At least they weren't BP board members. She'd probably vent herself. ;)
ReplyDeleteFunny end. Very nicely done.
~jon
Lol - that's really all I can say! I love the idea of office buildings designed as rockets, but I pity the poor girl!
ReplyDeleteOh lord I'd cry too. It's joke, but a very very good one.
ReplyDelete...and if they do run out of supplies, the lawyers can always eat the off-spring they will almost certainly have created, right? ;)
ReplyDeleteBrilliant set-up, I'm still chuckling.
This is excellent, loved the ending! Lawyers are just ... (will stop mid-sentence there, so I won't step on any toes :P)
ReplyDeleteI couldn't help speculating about the "rendevous" with other "select" buildings. Please tell me that there's a building full of mimes in the mix. Oh the creative possibilites for jokes with lawyers and mimes. The mind boggles.
ReplyDeleteReally enjoyed this.
:0)
I think I once interviewed at the place.
ReplyDeleteI know I'm a little dense sometimes, but I didn't see the lawyer joke coming. Very funny story, Eric.
Thanks for all the great comments! I'm glad it tickled your funny bones!
ReplyDeleteDanger, Will Robinson!
ReplyDeleteThis ended in quite the funny way. I was so caught up with the drama of it all and then, bada bing!
Well played, Eric :D
All that wind-up for a lawyer joke… LoL. That was good.
ReplyDelete-Tim
Very funny, and well set up! Nice job.
ReplyDelete