Intruder
by Eric J. Krause
Becca stared down at Geoff's body--the body of her husband, lover, best friend--and tried to scream. It wouldn't come, but babbling words, murmured in a low whisper, pushed up her throat and out her mouth. "Wake up, Geoff, not funny, not funny at all, open your eyes and start breathing, the joke's over, you aren't dead, you can't be."
But it wasn't a prank. Her Geoff, her beloved Geoff, lay dead. She'd left him on the bed, quite satisfied and very much alive after a vigorous love-making session, to take a quick shower. As she dried off, she felt that frisky itch and headed to the bedroom to initiate round two. Instead she found him like this.
Now that scream threatened to tear through her, but she couldn't afford to lose it. 9-1-1. Yes, that's who she had to call, and she couldn't be hysterical during it or the operator wouldn't understand. Calm, cool, and collected, that's what she needed to be.
Before she grabbed the phone, she reached for Geoff. He'd had a physical for work just last week. The doctor pronounced him in excellent shape for a man of 43. Maybe a bit too much of a bulge around the middle, but his cholesterol and blood pressure were at acceptable levels, and his heart was strong. No sign of any diseases or defects. Keep it up, the doctor said. So how was he laying here like this?
Becca had often heard the term "dead weight," but never having handled a dead body bigger than a hamster, she'd not grasped the concept. She struggled to roll him to his side, and once she succeeded, a gasp escaped her lips and she leapt back. Geoff flopped face-down on her side of the bed. A small pool of blood, about the size of a quarter, congealed on his pillow. On the back of his neck was a small round wound, already festering. But that was impossible. She might not be in the medical profession, was, in fact, merely the manager of an independently-owned games and hobbies shop (The Game Room--"we cover all your gaming needs"), but she knew there was no way either the wound or the blood should look like that. Not yet. It hadn't been there before her shower. She'd wrapped her hands around the back of his neck during their intimate act, and they'd come back clean. No, as inexplicable as it was, this happened while she was in the shower.
Which meant, among other things . . .
Terror replaced her grief, and she lunged for the phone. Dead. As dead as poor Geoff. That almost brought down the dam holding the tears back, but somehow she managed to keep herself in check. Hysteria could, would, come later, but for now she had to keep her head so she could survive. Someone was in the house, and he was dangerous, deadly.
She tried to ascertain if there'd been a struggle on the bed, but she knew very well there had been--quite a pleasurable one that she'd been involved in. Other than that, besides the spot of already congealed blood, she couldn't tell. Should she dash out and run for the neighbors, or was unknown death waiting for her? The window? This was the second story, and her two landing options were rose bushes or concrete. She preferred neither choice. No, she'd sneak downstairs and bolt out either the front or back door, whichever proved safer.
Nothing seemed disturbed in the upstairs hallway. She tiptoed to the stairs and stood silent for a few seconds, listening for anything out of the ordinary. When only the regular sounds of her house came back--the ticking of clocks, the whir of the dishwasher, the hum of the computer--she hurried down the stairs. Once at the bottom, she had a clear path to the front door, to freedom, and took it. She twisted the handle and pulled, but it didn't budge. Damn deadbolt.
As she moved her hand to unlock the door, something thudded behind her. She whirled around and finally allowed herself to scream. Geoff stumbled towards her, no life existing in his eyes. But that wasn't the worst part, not by a long shot. The worst stood at the top of the stairs behind him. His new puppet master pulled the strings, and it wanted her in its collection.
Scary!! I love the descriptive language in this and the near-hysterical atmosphere. George A Romero would be proud!!
ReplyDeleteWell that's certainly a wild twist of an ending Eric. Great story!
ReplyDeleteOnly the truly evil would terrorise the owner of an indie game store. Shocking!
ReplyDeleteTom nailed this — "hysterical" and not the laughing kind. I could feel the evil coming for her… brrr!
ReplyDeleteI really like the whole idea of the puppet master--and leaving it to our imagination as to what he looked like. One sentence bogged the narrative down a bit: "She might not be in the medical profession, was, in fact, merely the manager of an independently-owned games and hobbies shop (The Game Room--"we cover all your gaming needs"), but she knew there was no way either the wound or the blood should look like that." Otherwise, the story builds tension quite well. Good work, Eric.
ReplyDeleteI think the point where she realizes it's not a natural death, and that the killer must still be in the house, carries a real chill factor.
ReplyDeleteNicely creepy. I like it.
ReplyDeleteI agree with Kim about that long sentence though.
I dig the pace of this, how her terror and confuse mount until your reveal. Nicely done.
ReplyDeleteVery nice, Eric. I like it. Great climax.
ReplyDeleteI think the worst part of the horror is that the puppet master had been playing with her already.
ReplyDelete"Someone was in the house, and he was dangerous, deadly"
Maybe "they" were dangerous? Unless she was jumping to conclusions?
Great build up and LUV'd the ending!
ReplyDeleteThanks for the comments, everyone! Glad most of you liked this one. Glad some of you found it scary and chilling.
ReplyDeleteAs for the concerns some of you had for the very long sentence, I appoligize that you didn't like it, but I'm going to keep it in there. If it was a sticking point with this getting published, I'd change it, but since I'm the publisher and I like that sentence, it'll stay for now.
As for the "he" that Craig points out, that stays. I think most people would jump to the conclusion of saying "he" in an intruder situation. Fair to men everywhere? Maybe not, but I think it rings true to life.
Good story a great build up of tension and just the right amount of creepiness.
ReplyDeleteWhoa, freaky stuff. But just who is the Puppet Master?
ReplyDeleteTense and the ending is pretty creepy! I liked!
ReplyDeleteThis has the reader on the edge of their seat and still smiling in places - great work and pace in the whole thing
ReplyDeleteThanks for the comments, everyone! I'm glad the tension and horror worked for most of you. I had a blast writing this one.
ReplyDeleteIcy--Who is the Puppet Master indeed? I thought about doing some sort of description, but I thought it would be more fun, possibly more tense, to leave it all up to the reader's imagination.
Eeeek! Horrors!
ReplyDeleteIt followed a natural and understandable progression. I figured the threat would still be in the house, and was kind of waiting for it to call until the phone was found dead.
ReplyDelete